#“my bunny was actually the last thing emotionally grounding me so I'm going to be a danger to myself and others until I'm done”

[puppymask]

Doomguy is NOT a bootlicker we know this. But I think ppls severely overestimate how much he gives a shit ABOUT the military u know!!! He doesn't give a fuck about protocol or any imperialist mentality attempts at brainwashing. Anyways I just believe the only thing the marines gave him was access to weapons, PTSD, and an attraction to men.

[creoterative]

I don't have the slightest idea, what it is about this game.

But Telltale Games managed to bring a form of atmosphere to life, that gives me the chills, every single time I see certain things in the game. And it's so different for each scene, in which this happens.

But what's the best about this game, is that it brings me to show emotions. There are very few games, that can actually manage to bring me to tears or laugh at the top of my lungs, and this is one of it.

The fact, that this game can compete with Undertale, Red Dead Redemption and Half Life, at least on my personal list of 'Best Games I ever played', is incredible.

I've played a lot of different video games in my not-so-long-life now, from a very young age on.

Pokémon, Wolfenstein, Metal Gear, Sonic the Hedgehog, Far Cry, you name it, I've probably played or at least seen it.

And yeah, there are only so many games, that brought me to the verge of tears. This one here even managed it three different times in a row.

When Lee died.

When Kenny wanted to leave us in front of that gate.

And at the end of Season Four.

That's a new record. I mean, yeah, I tend to get emotional in the scenes, where the developers want us to get emotional, but it's not like I cry every time a bunny dies in a game.

As I mentioned, there are scenes, where the emotion isn't even sadness, but... something else and I can't quite describe it, but I like it.

When Minnie starts singing on that bridge, I swear, I had goosebumps and was thrilled to fight her (especially because the frikin' bow said 'One last fight' to me right before that and I hated it). I fucking screamed when I lost that bow.

That look Marlon has in his eyes, when we call him pathetic? Gets me every time. I even talked about it to my best friend, the fact that a pair of eyes can make me feel so weird, like I just destroyed a whole life, it's... I dunno, the impact is there and I can clearly see it. My actions have consequences. And I get a physical effect, because my stomach hurts every time I pick that option (and I'm sorry for every single time, Marlon).

The moment we let go of Ben in the belltower? Jesus. I am broken afterwards. The first time I played this game, I was so desperate when I let go of him. I couldn't even move.

I gotta admit, I only played Lee's death scene one time in my entire life. And the reason why is that I know I'm gonna cry again. Somehow the scene that makes me cry even more though, is when Kenny almost leaves us at that gate with AJ. I swear... that scenes is probably one of the most emotional ones I ever saw in video games and I kid you not, I was crying for five minutes after I finished that season.

Luke in the ice? That was a what the fuck moment, yes. But for me personally, the look he gives us when we decide to sit with Kenny instead of him is even worse. I dunno what it is, but for real, I can't deal with hurting people emotionally. Not in video games, not in real life.

And then there is this scene with the cannibals. Everybody's dead, we fight the last of the brothers and he yells at us to come back and finish the business. I decided to kill him the first time, because my sister and I were very pumped up and pissed, but when I replayed it with one of my best friends, he decided to let him stay alive, which was... worse. That soundtrack 'Bitter Revenge' that plays in the background, seeing all these walkers rush in there, his mother crawling out of the house... Christ, that was horrible. I think we were really quiet for a few seconds after that, just taking in that scene, while trying to process it.

Last but not least. The end. The fucking light. The fucking leaves that fall to the ground. Clementine coming in on her crutches. I can't. I just love it. When the camera goes over all the people we lost in the last season, Marlon, Brody, Mitch, Tenn/Violet/Louis, I get the same feeling I got when Snake killed The Boss and the flowers turned red. It's just so final. They won't come back, ever, but somehow, in a way, they had such an impact on the story, that they kinda carry this whole thing with this one shot of the graves. I... forgive me, I have no idea how to talk xD

Of course, there are a lot more of these scenes, I just wanted to name a few that came to my mind right now. This game is amazing in any way.

I don't care that sometimes Lee spins around like a beyblade. I don't care, that Marlon looks like a puppet on strings in that confrontation scene. I don't give two shits about how Louis dreadlocks move, if they even move at all.

This game is a masterpiece, because it affected me emotionally like no other game before, except Red Dead Redemption, and maybe Metal Gear Solid 3, but considering the fact, that both of these games are WAY bigger than TWDG and had a lot more people with a WAY bigger budget behind them, TWDG is still one of the best.

.....

.....

And for fucks sake, Telltale Games gave me wide neck T-Shirt Marlon in Road to Survival, so my thirsty self is content as well.

Just joking. I'm not that desperate.

No, wait, I am.

I'm so looking forward to the frikin holidays. Imma draw a lot. And write a lot. And possibly cry a lot.

[serendipitybutterfly]

As I said the other day in reply to an ask... Here's a little check up on Seokjin and Jungkook which I have tried to keep brief and to the point... Because it was meant to just be a little check up (I'm trying to control my wordiness)...

Firstly, an interesting little thing... When I started doing these for each of them, I felt like I needed to ask permission. I usually do actually ask permission, but usually indirectly through their guides and guardians with my own acting as intermediaries... But this time, for some reason, I felt the need to ask directly. I saw this in different ways... For Seokjin, I saw him lying on a bed playing a Nintendo game and I stood outside the room and knocked on the door lightly to ask to come in, he nodded so I did. Then I sat on the rug on the floor and asked if I could check for any helpful advice for him and he nodded again, so I did. It was all at a distance and I felt the need to be very careful, cautious and respectful as I was being let in. His own energy felt very watchful and alert and I was very aware that if I overstepped I would be shut out of the room.

With Jungkook, it was different. I saw him in what looked like a white walled practice room, sitting leaning against a wall with head on his knees. He looked a little tired. I felt like I should come a lot closer than I did to Seokjin and I reached out to him slowly and spoke very gently, asking if it was OK for me to ask for advice. I didn't see him speak necessarily but I 'heard' him say it was OK (hard to explain, but it wasn't necessarily in audible words in any particular language... It was almost like he pushed the energy of 'Yes Ok' towards me). His energy was very open and attentive and almost eager. With Seokjin it was almost like I suggested doing a reading for someone who, while not opposed, wasn't really looking for it... Whereas with Kookie it was like I had suggested it to someone who had been almost hoping for someone to come along and ask...

Anyway... I've already failed at keeping this brief but this felt too interesting and significant not to mention. This was, I suppose, the imagery my subconscious conjured as a visual of my energy reaching out to theirs directly and how it was received...

Without further ado, what's going on with Seokjin and what do his guides want to say to him?

The big impression I got from this reading is that Seokjin is being urged by his guides to take a leading role in pushing everyone towards their new objective. If you look at the oracle cards that came for him, he got Stone People: Vigilance from the Earth Magic deck and 'White Witch: be the light' and 'Lord: take charge with authority' from the Angels and Ancestors deck. I think these cards are the main advice cards here... They're telling him to play a major leadership role as the eldest. He's being asked to be vigilant of the others' moods and energy and to help guide them by being a positive 'light' in a difficult situation.

If I look at the tarot I can see that while he knows this and is trying, he's been pretty down himself so it's difficult. Still he's been putting up a valiant effort to seem positive and not give into cynicism in order to encourage his team. He's made a start at looking towards the future goal with passion and optimism and even though he's not entirely convinced of it genuinely himself yet... He's making sure to appear that he is.

Seokjin generally has a really healthy outlook and works his way through setbacks well so this seems about right to me. I think he listens to his guides really well... Whether consciously or not, he's definitely very connected to spiritual guides who try to keep him in a very positive, constructive state of mind. The main advice is that he'll need to be proactive and take the lead in pushing everyone forward right now because his role is being like 'sunlight'; of possessing a healing 'white witch' magic in the group. They need his particular brand of grounded earthy practicality and fun loving firey positivity and being that light will also help him push through his own doubts.

Now for Jungkook...

If we look at the Oracle cards we got for him we see a focus on the earthly passings of the seasons with Autumn: Release the Old and Rest and Spring: Let your seeds grow. One card shows the sharp cunning crow, the other, a spry jumping bunny or hare (which is perfect for Kookie huh?). However, we also see a celestial focus with Milky-Way: Perspective which calls for him to see the bigger picture. The big message here is that he has to accept that unexpected things happen, change happens, and you have to let the past die and move on to new beginnings. Like how autumn turns to winter which turns to spring. There are new seeds to water and tend to right now, even if he wasn't able to reap the last harvest the way he wanted to. Try to see the bigger picture, let go of the past and move forward .

The tarot tells me he is well on his way with this already! We can see from the reversed ten of wands and reversed six of cups that he's already begun to cast off the burdens and regrets of the past that he was clinging to. The cards also show a dramatic progression. He starts off feeling like a powerless, emotionally immature child, losing passion and energy. So he turns to some spiritual wellspring. Through meditation and reflection he reached a kind of equilibrium which enabled him to work through this time of feeling dejected over the things that didn't work out... Knowledge that, despite what it may have seemed, his members were also experiencing similar emotions and regrets helped and made him feel less alone.

Now a new goal has been set (as we saw in Seokjin's reading) and Kookie has already made a real start on this in a physical sense which is helping to fire him up and get him out of the negative mindset he had been in for a little while.

Like Seokjin, what I tend to see with Jungkook is a lot of maturity and a healthy way of working through set backs. Jungkook also seems to have a strong connection to his guides, whether consciously or subconsciously, and they always help pull him back on track. I'd say with Kookie, a spiritual emphasis has come up for him before so I think he actually does consciously turn to spirituality for peace and clarity when things seen to go awry in his life and his connection to his guides will continue to get stronger as a result which is a brilliant thing!

All in all, these readings show a positive trajectory for them both. There's something new they've started working on that they've turned their focus to following the tour being postponed and they're trying to be positive and get fired up about it despite the circumstances. Let's all wish them, and the others, love and light and protection from all harm. 🙏 💜☀ ✨

[deathcomesinallcolors]

This will be personal. I'm sorry.

If I weren’t on mobile, I’d make it a read more. As it is, you can scroll on by.

I honestly don’t know how much longer I will last in my mother’s house. I live there now with my parabatai and roommate, and I’ve been stuck here for two years. I graduated college two years ago and, left with nowhere else to go, turned home.

I was going to save up to move to New York City. I was going to be a private eye. I had majored in criminal justice, and all my best professors had been supportive. “E-mail me when you get there!” my favorite professor said, a sociology teacher. “Tell me all about your wild adventures.”

Six months passed by without a job. Finally, I started work at a DIY hardware store. I was paid pretty well. I hated it there, but I was meeting important people. Federal agents and cops told me I should apply here and there. The manager at an Enterprise gave me his card, said he loved my lively personality and that I should join their manager’s program. My manager loved me and pushed me to apply for better, permanent jobs within the store. She begged me to stay past my seasonal term.

Yes, I was a seasonal cashier. My term lasted 6 months, unless they decided to keep me. In truth, I worked dozens of jobs around the store that wasn’t actually part of my job. Running deliveries of paper towels and cleaning supplies and leaving my post to check if there was a refrigerator hiding in receiving, because the guys back there were always too busy to help customer service.

Despite the horrid work environment, it was a stable job. Everything was going well. I felt my life hit the rails and click as it slowly progressed forward. I and my best friend decided to get out of our parents’ houses and move in together. We signed for an apartment. I applied to Enterprise, where I mentioned the manager BY NAME and waited for a phone interview. Our lives were looking great.

Then the apartment place never let us move in. Enterprise turned me down. My job let me go without even mentioning my last day. When pressed, HR shrugged a wishy washy “Oh, we’re considering you.” They never called.

I found myself fighting the apartment manager’s secretary (as their manager was invisible and avoided everyone, even tenants), then the landlord company itself. They owed me $600 of security deposits and application fees, not even including $200 for the uhaul expenses made the day our contract said we could move in. They voided our contract, and this criminal justice student was going to take them to court.

They paid up, but we still found ourselves jobless and homeless. My roommate’s family was six states away. Mine didn’t want me. But I was stuck with them anyway, along with my roommate.

For half a year, they pretended to care. I got a job at Target. But no matter how hard I worked, my parents always said, “You should be working harder. We won’t let you stay here forever.”

It’s been eight months that I’ve lived in my parents’ house with my best friend. In that time, I’ve lost $2000. My mother promised to give me a food budget, but refuses to give me money for food, because she “doesn’t trust” me. She thinks I’ll use food money on games or pizza.

They no longer trust me. That has partly to do with my friend (they always blame a queer friend of mine to blame for my changes in belief–he is just the most recent), my sexuality, gender expression, and also…the fact I saved a mouse.

After a long day at my hardware store job, I walked out into the parking lot, only to find a gray speck scurrying around the lot. I approached cautiously. It was a baby mouse, only a few days old. Its eyes were barely open. It must have wandered away from the hay bales we sold not twenty feet away, along with its little hay mouse family.

I rushed to my car–my mom’s car–retrieved an old pair of garage gloves, and chased it around the lot. Finally, I scooped it up, placed it in an upended plastic bin from the car, and drove to a pet store. I got it a turtle cage and all its little baby mousie necessities. I then snuck it upstairs.

A few days later, my mother stepped foot into my room and found the mouse cage sitting there, on the floor. She dropped a book on top of the cage to “keep it closed”, covering the breathing holes and nearly suffocating the poor dear. I came home to a very quiet, terrified mouse.

They tried to toss it out. They tried to toss ME out. I called their bluff. I refused to kill this helpless creature, this small, baby animal that would die without my care.

So I nursed it. I bathed it with Dawn. And after much pictures to my parabatai and his vet mother, I named her Eleven. Named for the days she survived before I found her.

My mother screamed it would give us all diseases and died. From its urine, from its fur, from its very air. I showed her links to medical websites, disproving all of this. I showed her texts from my friend’s vet mom. I debunked every single argument, but still she shrieked and cried and screamed. The moment I raised my voice in defense, she stomped to her feet and thrust her face in mine. Threatened to hit me. To throw me on the streets. My fists shook at my sides with anger and fear. But still I held my ground. I would not kill this small animal.

And that was before I brought home a trans gay boy to live with me. And the two stray secret kittens we saved from our local rescue. And his bunny and bird we brought from his family’s home.

Maybe I don’t deserve their trust. But I do deserve to eat. I deserve to live.

Today, I approached my mother about our food budget. Way back with our failed apartment expedition, The Deer Run, she had promised to give us a $200 monthly food budget. To help out. Instead, while we’ve been living here, she saves all our receipts and, 3 months later, pays us back for certain food items. Anything she pays us for, before she even pays us, is free game. It’s food for the house, not for us. Because if she pays for it, and it’s her house, she and the family gets to use it. That’s fair. IF SHE WOULD PAY US BEFORE WE RUN OUT OF MONEY.

I asked her if she could give is that stipend instead of…this. I channeled Gansey, reasoned with her. Offered multiple solutions so we can better budget our food spending, because…if we don’t know when and how much we’ll be paid, we don’t know what we can afford. And if she keeps the receipts, we don’t know what we’ve spent.

Instead, she talks over me. Accuses us of “living in the lap of luxury.” She outright refuses to give us grocery money for when they’ll be in Honolulu for two weeks, because we might “spend it all on video games and pizza.” Pizza. Really? Even foregoing the obvious fact that if we run out of money, that’s OUR PROBLEM, pizza is definitely food the last time I checked.

She said she wants to know what we’re buying, always, because she doesn’t trust us. Me. “I don’t care,” I told her, “ You can have all the receipts. I just want to eat.”

“You can eat anything in this house,” she laughs hysterically. “Everything here is open to you.”

Condiments. Chips. Clam soup that would make me vomit. And…pounds and pounds of frozen chicken far past due. Yeah. Thanks.

“We don’t really like anything you stock. You don’t even get spaghettios and ravioli, except when we ask you to. But if you’re going to pay for it either way, it’s much easier to get it ourselves than wait for you to go to the grocery store.”

Back up. Background. She once told me she’d go to the grocery store on Wednesday. Two days. Okay. I could handle that. We’d eat canned soup until then, and then I’d cook something decent.

Wednesday passed. Then Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. We then decided to go out food shopping ourselves or else we would have starved. Actually starved. We hadn’t eaten in two days.

Never does she go to the grocery store on time. It takes her two weeks from when she said she would to get food, which she then buys in bulk. Which then spoils before she can use it. Bags of blueberries, bundles of asparagus, it doesn’t matter. All trash. And her cooking? I can’t eat that much grease and oil anymore without vomiting. Her meat is frozen for five months (the safe length is three) at 20 degrees. The highest safe temperature you can possible keep food is 0 degrees F. HIGHEST. It’s best when it’s -10 or -20. The 3 month length for keeping frozen food safely is at 0 degrees at the highest. She is 20 degrees above that.

It’s no wonder her gruel makes me sick.

“Once you’re out of here,” she said, heated, “you’re not coming back.”

“That’s just fine,” I stated. “That was the plan.”

I thought parents were supposed to look out for their kids. I never considered my parents abusive. But my mother is manipulative, controlling to 1984 degrees, and passive aggressive. Every time I step foot downstairs, she beats me down emotionally. My dad just sits there, beaten too, and lets her. When he’s even here.

This is the way it’s always been. But it wasn’t always this bad. I was a kid once. Once, she was loving. But now that I believe in a pantheon rather than her Christian god, now that I’ve come out as bisexual and trans, my mother doesn’t love me. And, behind closed doors, my dad agrees with her.

Once I move out–once WE move out–I’ll probably never see them again. I’ll still look after my younger siblings, though. But that doesn’t change the fact that my youngest sibling, Dalton, is home for spring break. That boy eats four helpings in a five person family. He’s the type of giant to make four sandwiches at once and finish off the loaf while he’s at it. He’s inconsiderate and unaffected. He laughs everything off, especially actual problems, just lets them run down his back because it’s not HIS problem. First come, first serve. Thin as a rail and tall as a basketball pole, all Dalton cares about is himself.

And he’s been drinking our coke. The only drink my parabatai drinks, and the only thing my mom doesn’t “reimburse” us for. When I bring it up subtly…

“Hey, Mom. Did Dalton drink our coke?” I ask conversationally.

I’m staring at the two coke bottles in the recycling. I know he has.

“Oh, yeah… I saw him make a rum and coke, so maybe.” She laughs. “We have coke, too. It’s all the same.”

No, I think to myself, fists shaking. No, it’s not. It is our money spent. Our money wasted. And he always eats our food. Without asking. While I’m cooking. Right from under my nose.

I haven’t cooked for a week.

My mother throws around the word “job” like it’s a magic word, but that doesn’t make a college degree any more valuable in this job market. All that matters is experience, and jobs won’t give me experience unless I already have it; this student with a job and essays to write didn’t have time or money for an internship.

Oh, did I mention Target let me go just after Christmas? While every store is firing people rather than hiring? I haven't had a paycheck in three months.

So here I sit. Alone with my family of parabatai, two cats, a rabbit, a field mouse, and sort-of-a-bird. I’m lucky to have them. Because I’d be dead and on the streets without them. I would have killed myself by now.